In prayer and in lack of prayer, I found myself continually returning to the reality of a God unconditionally turned toward me, arms open, heart on fire, words speaking to me deeply and quietly and richly like the mournful, sweet tones of a cello cascading off stone walls in the sanctuary of my heart. In this space I am found and lost and found again…His Presence is enough.
Empty, quiet night.
My soul is weary,
orbiting on the periphery.
No change in sight.
Brooding, hollow space.
Prayers heavy, bloated,
drift slowly heavenward.
I can find no grace.
Sweet, fresh morning.
Awake in Presence,
enveloped in hope.
I am home again.
It’s hard to go back to church after experiencing relationship like this outside of church. In fact, it was the act of leaving that made it possible…walking blindly into the wilderness, away from community and predictability and safety in numbers. But now, I recognize a call back into the “Church”…and my cynicism remains. It feels like a game…and I don’t want to play games. Morning announcements, worship bands and dimmed lights, prayer supplemented by mood music, potlucks, Sunday smiles, prayer groups, classes, people finding comfort in uncomfortable seats, offering baskets, hugs and handshakes, “peace of the Lord be with you”…the cultural aspects of the American church experience, especially in the evangelical world. Some of this is beautiful…but something was always missing for me. The medium captures the attention so much that the message is lost in translation. The power of influence given to preachers and pastors is frightening in a culture demanding express service and novel experiences.
But, sitting with Christ, I return to the realization that it is what it is. God is who God is. I am who I am. My past is what it is, and my future is what it is. The church belongs, just as my experience outside of it belongs. I don’t get to pick what fits and doesn’t fit. Right now, I am with Christ…and there’s nothing special about that. No soaring oratory or regimented bible study to get me there. I am here right now, and Christ is with me. It really is a simple as that.
So is my impulse to reconnect with church a soft nudge from Christ, who is with me…or is it my own false shame, accusing me of not measuring up, not fitting in, not living rightly in light of the WORD OF THE LORD…which commands me to love my neighbor, tithe and regularly attend Sunday services? Grace is this: we have the freedom to figure it out.
The wilderness is a wild and dangerous place…but it’s exactly where God’s people were led in their delivery from slavery. It’s where Jesus was led in his delivery from the slavery of his own humanity. It’s where I’ve been led as well, outside of the sanctuary of man and into the sanctuary of God…where I’ve found hope and tenderness in the arms of my Lord, the same Lord I was taught to fear, to perform for and eventually to ignore and despise. But, I didn’t know Him then…in church. I know Him now. I am compelled to return to a community, as a man led into the desert and back again. Let my response be total…
Hosea 14-15: “Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.”
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Dear Sam,
I appreciate your site and blog and wish to share what I am up to on my blog at http://www.ContemplativeChristians.com. I am interested in collaborating with you and wish you the maximum blessing upon your ministry of love in Christ.
Peace,
Peter