Contemplative Christian

Since I was a child I’ve wondered why…with the power to create the known and unknown universe…why God has been so inconceivably silent and mysterious to His people, the supposed pinnacles of His creation. In my teens, I struggled with this silent God as my prayers seemed to go unanswered: little Tammy didn’t love me back…my beloved pet didn’t survive her injuries…my parents never resolved their differences. As an adult, I saw death and disease, injustice and heartbreak impact the lives of good people and bad people alike, I saw fools in charge of churches and wise men disparaged and forgotten. I’ve whispered, sang, cried and screamed at Heaven…and still, no burning bushes or disembodied voices appeared to alleviate my concern.

Frances Schaeffer wrote He Is There and He Is Not Silent…and even as I read all his books in my twenties, congratulating myself on my erudition, I discovered no representational argument that made God less silent. No amount of theological understanding brought God closer to me or me to Him.

I fancied myself found nonetheless, but became lost in it. It couldn’t hold me, and I wandered, adrift and seeking meaning in philosophies and substances that left me empty. Over a long period of time, I lost hope, lost meaning and lost myself. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Looking back, I see how God stripped away my religion and my self-reliance. In His silence, I lost the self I was, and became a vessel capable of being filled by something else. This “dying to the self”, is talked about reverently in Christian circles…but mouthing the words and taking on a pious attitude doesn’t count. You have to be stripped down to your soul…and the only way to do this is to see your own pain, your own pride and foolishness…to be willing to really see it…to run from it, hide from it, drown it and deny it until there nothing left of your will…then, empty of self and full of shame fall upon your knees before a silent and inconceivable God. The falling on your knees part can take years….and we’re not really on our knees until we release ourselves of the shame. That is the hardest part…for it comes back to visit us again and again. Let go of it…you’re not who you believed yourself to be…you’re as God believes you to be. If this feels like bad news…your shame is speaking again.

God is silent. All those years wondering why…and now I’m only thankful for the silence, for it’s through the silence that I finally began to hear His voice…and I realized He’d been speaking all along…saying simply, I Am Present, I Love You, I Love You.

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